Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Cousin Bill's Home-Cooked Meal -- It's a Blast!


Cousin Bill recently lived the bachelor life while his wife Cheryl was briefly away, and he reports back on his great culinary success in fending for himself in a wifeless kitchen:
Cheryl bought one "easy fixer" for me, a "Marie Callender" beef pot pie, leaving me with specific written instructions on the necessary defrost . . . followed by the oven baking and how to use the oven. The instructions (preheat, oven time and temp) were promptly misplaced, so I decided on using the microwave, and if I'd done maybe one thing right, that might've worked. I didn't. I opened the door for a sneak peak at the four minute mark -- and dang, things were bubbling (boiling) . . . juices overflowing the plate . . . no problem, just a simple transfer to a bowl, right? I transferred, hit another one minute setting, and within thirty five seconds hear a minor explosion -- most of Ms Callender's finest was deposited on the microwave's ceiling and wall. Using a fork and several paper towels as scrapers I returned most of the fixings to the bowl and decided I'd better cease while ahead. The empty spot in the bowl got filled with cottage cheese and toast. Really, it wasn't bad, 'cept, the dough was pale and doughy, the meat and veggies a bit chewy, but all edible when wrapped inside the toast.
By putting this online, I hope I haven't given terrorists any new ideas on bomb-making. On the other hand, this bomb-plot boxed pot did go off prematurely . . . no seventy-two raisins for any Islamist terrorists following Cousin Bill's method!

Anyway, kudos for surviving! Now go seek out that missing wife, Billy-Boy!

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16 Comments:

At 6:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's nothing to the bachelor life.
When my wife stayed with our new twin grandsons in Leavenworth, Kansas for over a week, I just went to the grocery store and stocked up on plenty of milk, bread, pot pies and four kinds of cold cereal. Styrofoam cups,paper plates, plastic spoons and forks made cleaning up a simple matter. If I wanted any other food, I drove three miles to a local cafe.

Cran

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

I'm proud of you, Uncle Cran!

Jeffery Hodges

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At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remind me…no visiting Uncle Cran’s place…if Aunt Gay’s away!
Cuz Bill

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

I suggest you two meet at a restaurant midway between your place and his!

Jeffery Hodges

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At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeff,
Will suggest the meeting take place at Jasper's Ozark Café. There we'll each devour a "Cheese Volcano"...and wash 'em down with a couple of AB's on the courthouse lawn. Whoops, Newton County's dry. Bring a coke Uncle Cran. I'll take my chances with my sneaked in AB.
Cuz Bill

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Uncle Cran's lips have never touched alcohol! He follows the principle "Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine." Or something like that . . .

Jeffery Hodges

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At 12:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's good. We'll do the greeting with a handshake anyway-the traditional Hodges method.

 
At 3:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jeff,

By the way, just listened to Billy-Boy...the lady's got a beautiful voice!

Cuz Bill

 
At 3:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

3.4 miles south of Jasper take the left. Proceed 2.6 miles take the "rightish" fork at the Y. Steer straight through the next three intersections then look for a little red speck of paint on an otherwise rusty mailbox. Take the "road" opposite the spot.

Park - turn off the engine - wait for the dogs to settle down - probably unnecessary but, do not remove yourselves from the vehicle. (Yes I 'spect so Cran, you can "make friends" better'n Dr. DooLittle, but just this once please.)

The parking lot attendant will be along shortly after the dogs settle down - ask her "Can you tell me how far it is to Bob Johnson's place?"

If she replies "No. But I can tell you where his son moved." Then you can safely put in your order. Six-packs by numbers only & if you two should prefer Moon, specify "We'd kinda like ours in glass if its alright."

Cash only.

I'd advise it's probably a bad idea to get anywheres near Jasper's Courthouse for a spell.

JK

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

JK, that's going to a heap of trouble just to purchase a moon pie!

Jeffery Hodges

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At 8:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, it's either that or driving to Green Forrest or all the way up to the Missouri line to Rapid Robert's.

But I reckon long as Cran's gonna be starting off from near Bakersfield he could save Cuz Bill the effort by driving over to Moody for refreshing beverages and then down to Jasper.

JK

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

By the way, JK, what do you think of the voice of the woman singing Billy Boy?

Jeffery Hodges

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At 3:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As it happens the voice put me in mind of Melanie Safka. My, "admittedly crude" voice analysis software rates as 'possibly' the same voice as what was laid down on a track called Candles in the Rain.

I'll not be approaching anything like 'definitive' though. I'd prefer asking our NY friend how a 78 B-side analog compares to a YouTube wmv.

Had a nice lilting ring to it at any rate.

JK

 
At 3:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just sent an email to nephew "Cuz Bill" regarding the way to microwave pot pies.
You have to perforate the top crust before zapping.
Also you can put the pot pie on a plate and cover with a microwavable clear cover to keep the oven from getting splattered.

Cran

 
At 4:42 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Yeah, JK, we ought to ask Malcolm about the singer's identity!

Jeffery Hodges

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At 4:43 AM, Blogger Horace Jeffery Hodges said...

Thanks to Uncle Cran, I now know how to reverse-engineer a pot-pie bomb!

Jeffery Hodges

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